Review of Bored-erlands

Border Bored-lands Review

Well…with all the raving about what a *great* game this is.. .I am going to rain on the parade. This should not have been called Borderlands, but Bored-lands review.  The chief problem is this game is insipid, and inane… it has no real point, no plot, no purpose and no reason. Don’t look for ANY, because you will never, ever, EVER find it.

But, before you think I am ‘nuts’… bear with me – I do have some good things to say at the end of my long rant.

So, if you are up for gunning down bad guys without any real explanation – and like to level up, and have a fat juicy carrot held out in front of you that you will never, ever get – then this is YOUR game.

“Spoiler alert” (The bad in my Bored-lands Review)
I have one spoiler here – and you won’t like it…but only one. And I will tell it to you now – THERE IS NO PLOT. The vault does not exist, so don’t get pissed when you don’t find it. It’s just a big stupid boss, and he is easy to kill, Especially if you find the glitch. Then the dumb credits roll. “Angel” was all BS from a satellite….

The credits reveal Randy Pitchford as a part of the writing team, which does not at all surprise me – because here is yet another hyped up suckfest game – I feel so much like going to Texas and giving him a piece of his mind. Because the writing SUCKED HORSES!!!!

HULK SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!

Plot – In a nutshell: (the Ugly)
Mysterious “guardian angel’ contacts you, and tells you about treasure, “the vault” and guides you (minimally) throughout game. You must fight your way thru various baddies and bosses to reach the vault. BUT. The plot is so thin and minute, you can hardly recognize one exists at all…. yet the pace does pick up quite a bit towards the end of the game, as disappointing though it is.

Wow. Must have wrote that on a napkin in a coffee shop as a “note to self”. As It is certainly difficult to accept more than 7 writers actually worked on this slop.

Playing the game, in a nutshell
1) Find ever more guns, then mow down ‘bad guys’ (anyone not you!)
2) Find ‘treasure’ chests everywhere filled with “loot” (READ: MORE guns & money… which basically equals more guns, as you can purchase more via machines, a-la Bioshock) You will find more than you ever buy…so, the money is a red herring…. and another time waster.
3) Shoot. Level up. Kill more bad guys. Kill a boss. Wash, rinse repeat.
4) And…..wash, rinse repeat some more…or, until threadbare (about two hours!!!)
5) ARE YOU Still playing? You realize there are only 7 guns, don’t you? The variations are actually minor – and only the stats, looks and effects change a little. “7 bazillion” my posterior!!! Try 7!!!

With few modifications… What you will really find is a few leveled guns you really like, and a mountain of other guns that massively SUCK or are average, which you will sell or toss, eating up what little game play time you have. And, it will chew through that game time like a fearsome mix of a crack infested piraña and a over caffeinated squirrel.

The math?
‘X’ x ‘Y’ permutations might WORK OUT mathematically to ‘7 billion’ (or whatever) but, in reality – you will be hard pressed to find more than 5 you will actually want to keep or even USE. And even those will become crap eventually, because you keep leveling up. The same stuff over and over, with different stats. I have probably seen about 1,000 guns…so I know.

Just keep telling yourself “it’s not a %$#-%$#@ BUG!!! It’s a feature! And you will be fine, and have a very enjoyable experience.

Plus – it’s co-op. Don’t let me ruin it.

END of “Spoiler alert”
There is no damn off switch or any options at all here. You must perform quests if you want to see any other arena beyond the first one. You must also do quests because you just keep leveling up – and eventually, there will be no one to battle that will offer any challenge at all. Outside of DLC that is. Sure – you can go online and let someone else do all that…but that is sort of the same thing, really. Just passing on responsibility.

It’s bad enough to not have ANY interface/HUD control… that is always a game developer SIN. But to not offer any sliding button or clickable (difficulty!!!) that offers more challenge? For shame. If Oblivion can do it, why can’t YOU?

Essentially, it appears that everyone and their monkey has a badlands/Max Max theme ‘wasteland’ game out now, (or will soon) ‘with vaults’. Somehow, I get the impression that they all swap ideas at E3 or some coffee shop like cartoonists… and then copy each other until the cows go home.

What? Are developers fresh out of Kung fu slinging nazi alien demonic zombies???
The Good in my Bored-lands Review
Alrighty then. That’s as much bad stuff as I can think of, (and really probably encompasses every game I have ever played in some respect) so I will get to the good stuff. Short.. .but sweet.

Truth is…I am still playing this damn game. Flaws or no flaws, it’s still as addictive as crack, and I find it fun. I have played his game solo, 2 player co-op and 4 player co-op (although, many matches/hosts seem to kick me out…WTH?) Why not have a single player game or “friends only’ match? Why be a jerk?)

There is LOTS of selfishness in this game – and people running like greedy children for the stuff and not sharing. FINE.

But the way I combat that is to take a bunch of great stuff that various characters *might* want into a game with me – and give it away … and they feel that they must reciprocate. So… they are not so selfish if you are very generous.

In the end – flaws or whatever …if a game is fun for us we will play it… no matter the ‘rating’ some crap sell out website gives it. It’s not about the looks.. .it is about game play – but mostly – THE FUN.

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